The New School Archives Digital Collections

Parsons School of Design MFA Photography program theses2019 (PC020403.15) ➔ Everything I Never Told You


Related people/organizations

Zhuoning Bi (photographer)
Parsons School of Design. Photography Department. (sponsoring body)




I almost died from anorexia when I was 12. A girl said something to me, unintentionally, and I almost killed myself for that.
I was 5.3 ft, and only 50 pounds.
For two years, two years filled with arguments, fights, tears, broken hearts, fear and love, my parents tried every possible means to cure me but nothing worked. I was so sick that the doctors decided to give up on me. I was so sick that, in the end, my parents had to set their hopes on the supernatural. They went to a warlock. I did get better, magically, after the warlock changed my name and instructed my family to relocate to a new city.
Or maybe I died, and was reborn... Ten years passed and I recovered well. I went through many different stages recovering from trauma. I went back and forth, pitying myself wondering why it had to happen to me. I tried to help others who suffered the same because I thought I could fix myself by fixing them. I learned to live normal again, I thought I was finally over it. I’m in pain because that 12-year-old girl was separated from my body and she was left there, in that space, at that time, and she’s suffering. She can’t come forward to me and I can’t go back to her. All I can do is watch her suffering, by herself.
This work is dedicated to that 12-year-old girl. It reveals the darkness where I found her all bones, exhausted and helpless. It tells the things she saw and the space she lived in. Direful things. Mystical things. Things that whisper dark and horrific secrets that she wants to bury. Things that want her dead. It’s also me finding a way to tell her that it’s going to be ok. It’s me acknowledging her suffering and pain. It’s me appreciating that even though she’s scarred and worn and sometimes exhausted and perhaps even close to giving up, but she did not. She fought and won the battle. It’s me telling her that I have won many more battles and will continue to win. It’s me telling her that it’s time to let go and to leave so that she can come back to me.



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